L a s t S u m m e r;

Sunday, April 30, 2006

what a draggy day today has been.
yesterday was an almost perfect day except for the tiny part at d end of the day wic literally spoiled the wonderful day i shared wit my best frens--lisa n rabia.
the exams are round the corner yet im not focused to studying. i suppose im human like everyone else. it seems that many have forgotten that. yes, i study but im not a freak! i enjoy my moments too. like swimming ystrdae. many of my other frenx tot me n rabia were nutx to go swimmin. and the best part was that it was just the two of us. we're both REALLY tanned! haha! but truly..we had a great time..i felt so relaxed..den we went baking!!! haha. me lisa n rabia lepak at my place. watched two movies in a row. baked choc cake! haha! yes..yesterdae was one of the few daix i truly enjoyed!

parents will be back tonight. im staying home today. actually im not supposed to blog but the temptation was running high. i cant seem to resist it. haha! have tons of werk to do. reli. sigh.
)=

till next time. so long my fellow earthlings.
``prejudiced against men.

`and as i swam my heart out

i thought of you.

i took each stride with force

and still thought of you

i bathed myself in the golden sun

yet still thought of you

u seem to be everywhere

yet u are out of grasp

this heart yearns for that touch.

but u are far away

too far to reach

this passion burns on

yet u dun seem to notice

i am invinsible

in your eyes

it seems

as much as i try to cling on
u slip away from my clutches
ur heart is unspoken for
yet i can feel
that your soul is breaking free

and as i grow

less important in your life

i will fade away

till we one day part

wen u least see it

coz u seem to look

but do not see

what is held within

the dark walls of my heart

``why is it no longer u.s? but only y.o.u?

xx signed off at 1:34 PM

Friday, April 28, 2006

amazing that im still able to blog a week after my 'so-called' last entry. haha! well..parents away for the weekend and brother at camp so itx jux me & another bro..wic is reli dumb coz auntx gonna come over anyway & im so-called supposed to be in charge.
going swimmin early tomorrow den me & rabia are baking! haha. we need a break. hehe.

the exams are quite OK actually. i mean..sat for 2 papers already n i truly feel that i can make it (hopefully) even my oral went better than expected. really. all that talking to the mirror in malay truly helped. next step is to think in malay. haha! kindda worried coz each time the teachers go thru math or sci past topics i can seem to rbr ANYTHING at all. sigh. reli. my panic button is HUGE but im still cool on the surface.
still waters run deep. +.+

i truly miss him. sigh. but well. love comes with sacrifices. hmm. gotta bear wit it. *huge sigh*
accepted that date from dat lil someone. but i guess not yet. mayb after the papers. ease off a lil bit of my burden. haha!
another someone sms'd me. hmm. lookx like the fires are still burnin wit passion if you know wad i mean. haha! i'd rather you read between the lines.
spent half of the afternoon ystrdae wit yusa. miss him. miss the late afternoons we used to share doing nutink & talking crap. hex reli an excellent friend. n those who think otherwise clearly do noe deserve me as a fren. co i think they're DUMB.

anyway. i gotta go now. goin off for poa tution. just dropped off for a quickie. sorie! will be back and active after the exams! mwaah

`freedom is temporary. enjoy while i can.

--absence makes the heart grow fonder.

<3 scorpio

xx signed off at 1:39 PM

Me (=

SCORPIO is the most intense of the Water Signs. They may seem calm and placid on the surface, but you can be assured that there are strong emotions simmering just below the waterline, and they are often driven by these underlying emotions. Typically, Scorpios are very serious individuals who take their relationships just as serious, expecting complete, unequivocal loyalty. If you want to get anywhere with a Scorpio, do not cross them. If you do, it may take a lifetime for your Scorpio to forgive you, as they will never forget it. Scorpios have a tendency to be possessive, territorial and jealous. And because they do not usually reveal all that they are thinking, they can appear mysterious. Never one to naturally tip their hand, it takes extra effort to get into the head of your Scorpio. It takes time to develop a relationship with a Scorpio, but once you do, they can be one of the most intensely passionate lovers you will ever know because they aren't afraid to express their intensity. Demonstrate to your Scorpio that he or she is your number one priority, and your Scorpio will be forever yours -- with a passion!
Motto: Still waters run deep

xx signed off at 1:22 PM

Friday, April 21, 2006

SADNESS

``engulfed her the moment they left her side. )=

sigh.

1st. i read her entry. sigh. u say u're hurt? then wad do u tink i feel? i agree we're both different people adn have different ways of expressing ourselves. but that is truly NO excuse for u to break our frenship. u have NO right to break my heart over and over again by the words u choose to sae. im hurt that u choose to believe sumone else & choose to leave me without allowing me to explain. i tot frenships are all about forgiving one another. i wasnt even mentioned. i truly was weighing on whether to get u sumtink. but changed my mind the last minute. it hurts me greatly that u made that choice. made the choice to believe i betrayed u. n for that i will NEVER forgive the gurl hu said it all to you. WHAT does she noe abt me? yet. yet u still choose to believe in her words. sigh. i pushed my ego aside & apologized for god-knows-what horrible tinks i did or said. yet. u CHOSE once more to lie n say our frenship resumed. again, u CHOOSE to allow her to come in between. i truly trusted you too. but u asked for too much. im only human. he is important to me too. u will never begin to undrstd the pain i went thru in those times. yet. i still forgive you coz deep dwn i noe itx my fault. everytink seems to be mine. & yet i never even asked you for your due. never. sigh.

why do people choose to see me as the one in the wrong. constantly. at the expense of my loved ones. even with him. people choose to see me as the one at fault. choose to see me as the root to all our problems. sigh. i truly do not know what is becoming of our relationship. truly. i admit i dun have the guts to tell you the truth. not because i simply enjoy keepin you in the dark but simply coz i noe wad you would say. for once, please listen to me. she will fall straight into your arms if you allow her to. i am jealous. of coz i am. this is not the first time. i am normal n i am feeling the same as any other gurl in my position. just tell me. tell me. why u see her alone? why u sit and talk to her when we have a fight? why do you devote so much attention to her? sometimes more than me. why? why is she that comfortable wit u at the expense of getting me to get u to pick her up? why does she know a deal more at you than me? why? why am i feeling this? for one simple reason. i lurve you n i never want to lose you again. we both changed. changed drastically. why do you choose to place all else above me? i cant seem to put my feelings to words. i am hurt. hurt that u have to act like him. act like you dont care anymore.

it was a mistake to ever try to make it work bcoz u will nvr even begin to undrstd the kind of person i am n that will never change. u touched my heart & soul yet u seem so much of a different man now. dun u care about us anymore? sigh. mayb itx just me. I"M the dumb, thoughtless, cruel gurlfren who never loved you.

itx in your thoughts.

leave me if u truly dun lurve me.

u dun deserve me.

am too down now to blog about anything else. just wanted to say probably wun be bloggin for the next few weeks or so. itx the exam period. totali not prepared. i feel like flunking it. coz i constantly fail. fail myself. fail others. coz thatx wad i am. a nobody.

off to speech dae now. wish me luck.

her tears flowed down those soft pink cheeks.

her eyes are dark.

her soul empty.

her heart is broken yet again.

but this time,

she felt no pain.

this time,

there was none to pull

pull her to the other side of the wall.

xx signed off at 1:32 PM

Saturday, April 15, 2006

MASQUERADE

no matter how much one denies it. it is true. every single one of us puts on a mask. a different one for a different occassion.

you see. the question is not when do people wear masks but why people wear masks.

everyone has something to hide. something to run away from. be it good or bad.

it is intrstink to see how one changes in the blink of an eye. people are outstanding yet abstract creatures. intrstink to read from the outside. dangerous to pry further within.

it is undeninable that each individual has a closet full of skeletons.

each individual chooses to run away. run away and hide. hide from what life has to offer. hide behind the mask that holds them together. none therex to stand up & face danger in the eye. face their reflection.

*the masks hold the answers*

``something about me changed when i saw him in u. why? i question myself.``

the subconcious mind is one that controls.

dangerous m.i.n.d.s

sunshine comes and goes

the day passes and grows

she smiles and glows

and everything turns gold

perks of an angel she carries

laden in satin soft and sweet

intellect she holds at hand

radiance follows where she stands

in her smile lies the moon

in her eyes a man will swoon

from her words a man could faint

from her thoughts a man could gain

in her friendship is great weight

trust in her is no mistake

a loss it is to miss a chance

to meet a lady most divine

you'll find interest in sight of her

and never forget the smell of her

her voice drowns out all else

memory of her is worth no less

xx signed off at 2:48 PM

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

SCHOOL
just got back from skul. wantd to blog during L.S but changed my mind since d com was so freaking slow and i got too much to sae with such lil time. soo i decided to ckip my rehearsal todae. MUAHAHAHA. i mean im not reli skipping it technically since im supposed to have poa tution todae n itx FREAKING cancelled AGAIN!!! itx so irritating. i mean itx like d 3rd or 4th time in a ROW n i badly need d tuition coz my poa is lyk shit now! (of coz itx also due to me not paying attention) but hu ken undrstd ck10 anyway ryt?? haha!
started off the day quite well. jux dat i was soo sleepy despite the fact that i slept at 9.30. guess my busy schedule is keepin me both physically & mentally tired. sigh. once speech dae & m.y is over, im sure everytink will be back to normal. sigh. itx so scaree that the exams are nearing. ESP the fact that MALAY o'levels are jux round he corner. the back of my head seems to be nagging everydae bugging me to study but i reli am TIRED. everytink seems to be taking its toll on me. sigh. i feel guilty coz therex so much more to study wad wif the exams being only 2 weeks away!!
i tink our skul mux be nutx to place the M.Y the week aft speech dae! like HELOO!!! does anybody care abt those involved in the speech dae??? dumbdumb. im like trying real hard to sudyy. sigh. itx reli scaree. if i dun ace n breeze thru the M.Y. thatx it! my parentx are gonna chop off my head and then grill it.

FRIENDS
they wanna go out this sat. i tink they're nuts. but maybee they just enjoy going out. im sure they do. i cant. seriously. i mean HELLO! u dun need to face anyone at home wen u flunk your exams. thatx d diff betwn me & them. sumtimes i feel like im on an entirely diff planet from them. they think im crazee coz i mug so much (wic is untrue!) coz i dun mug tht much. i mug only HALF of that my bro. sumtimes i feel that i just dun 'click' wit em. itx like we talk n think so diffrently. sumhow. i dunnoe. esp rabia. i mean shex my bestest n craziest fren n she noex (along wit otherx thatx known me for quite sum time) that wen i scream, it shows i care. n it is wen i dun scream at them that i dun care anymore. n i dun give a shit. sigh. so few undrstd me. yet wad shld i expect? had sum disagreements wif rabia today. sigh. we disagree too much, it has been this way for the past 3 years. we are both frm diff backgrds wif diff levels of thinking. i wish i could reach out & pull her. pull her to the other side of the wall.

``the voice from the wall

LIFE
success is like sand. the more you try to hold on to it, the more it slips away. my success seems to slip away. slip away so soon no one relizes it. maybee people grow accustom to it. sigh. itx sad that the higher you climb the lonelier you get. my true frenx are obnly a handful. but to turn back and look again, im not even sure that they'll be dere for me for the rest of my life. i turn around only to see you there waving.
i WANT u to be a part of my future.
i NEED u to be a part of me.
i DEPEND on u to be there to hold me strong.
u are my pillar of strength.
everyone needs an anchor. an anchor to rely on. to help one be sure of one's self. in my case, my family (no matter how much i 'claim' to hate em) and YOU are the anchor in me. i believe i have friends who will be there but will they be there with me in the next 10 years of my life? will they be there to hold my hand n lend a listenin ear?
i've learnt so much from wad life has to give. and all i have to do is take. be it good or bad. TAKE and make the best out of it. coz all you have to do is thank god. thank god for not receiving any worse that wad you get. (=

`` i said a lil sumtink a few daix back n i tink it shook him up. hmm. we lead such diffrent lives. will we make it? im tinking so far ahead. i dun want to make mistakes. dun want to waste years of my life wif you wen we will never make it in the future. it is NEVER enough to think positive. ACTION has to be taken. sigh. love is never enough to make US work. maybee i should stop tinking. stop tinking & i'll be happy. stop tinking abt the future. take it byt the dae. maybee``

his pain foreva stains my heart

his shield&vulnerability foreva touches mee

his smile swoons me away

yet

yet u are all i ever need

despite wad the otherx gave.

*u're mending thesee woundx he gave~

xx signed off at 2:53 PM

Friday, April 07, 2006

itx been quite some time sice i blogged. well. been reli busy editing this new skin and doin sum skul stuff. i cum back late frm school like everydae. been EXTREMELY tired these few days. i sleep like 9 everydae and yet i am still tired the next morning. haixx. my bodyx been aching. sigh.

``UNDER CONSTRUCTION---
anyway. as u guix can see i've put up some photos on my bloggie. itx under one of the links. ``ur pictures``. unless u're totali DUMB, u can see it on the left side of this bloggie. haha. sumhow i cant seem to make it smaller so please scroll to the right or left to see the FULL pic. haha. sore2. but if anyone knows how to make d pic smaller, please tell me in skul or give me a buzz. coz unfortunately my taggie isnt exactly user-frenly at the moment. haha. gotta get a new tagboard. hmm. i have so much reshifting to do for this skin but i totali lurvee it!! hehe. itx reli kiute n kindda depicts wad i feel for you. the words on the cover totali explain wad i mean. *i noe u wun make me cry the thousand tearx that i cried*
dun bother abt the 'click to play thingy' coz unfortunately it aint working. i think. haha. will remove it soon. i hope. haha.

05.04.06
wad an intrstink day that was. haha. each fight makes us stronger. dun u realize that? hehe. it turned out to be a crazee dae. mayb a heart-wrenching ending but how can i be angry at that adorable face for long? haha. our dance was in 2nd placE!!! WOOHOO! kindda regret a lil bit that i didnt join but hey! at least i didnt torture myself since as i predicted my cramps came and went. hehe. n anyway im a freak at dancing. hehe. watched the match. den he dropped d bomb! boy! u had no idea wad i was feeling! haha. i wanted to cry. wanted to strangle him. wanted to scream. haha! i shldnt have reacted the way i did but he of all people should noe how impulsive i can get. +) haha! but tinks truned out betta later that nyt and managed to "postpone" IT to ystrade. though not for long but wad da heck ryt? ystrdae reassured all my doubts abt everytink. i mean. TRUST is essential. and itx been so long since i know him. well. u can be assured that im reaching thre. soon i hope. haha. but itx hard coz i dun trust guix so easily. unfortunately. haha. oh well.

RELATIONSHIPS
dun u find it intresting that
~lurve is a contradiction~
painful yet soothing
doubtful yet bring assurance
insecure yet secure at the same time
complicated yet simple
haha.
& also the fact that
+ the one u truly lurve now may NOT be the one that u've lurved the most +
i totali can relate to that. i mean i've lurved a ceratin someone a tiny weeny bit (ya..ryt) more than you but i truly lurve u now. n come to think of it, u are exactly like that certain someone that came into my life a few years back. i mean. mayb thatx y i chose you. to replace that emptiness i had when i left him. hmm.
herex a lil sumtink i wrote a few days back. back when i felt doubtful. wic i no longer do though. (=

HER

i stood by my bed

Staring at your picture

I saw someone i never saw before

her..

I wonder why im saying this

but sometimes i simply think

maybe you're jux betta off wif her

maybe she'd hold u more dear

A thousand tears i criedd

Maybe than a part of us died

I never felt it till now

Or maybe im just imagining things sumhow

Somethink in her eyes

says she still cares

Somethink in my heart says maybe..

maybe we're just not meant to be

I lurve u too much

to ever break free

But if it meanx u'll be happier

then just go..go ahead & leave me

i wonder what ever happened

since i gave u my entire soul

but maybe it just was'nt right

maybe we were simply a pretty sight

maybe we didnt know a huge part of us died

something abt us changed

somethink i cant pinpoint at

i never wanted this to end

But..memories will one dae..

be blown away simply like the sand.......

lurve is not a problem to be solved but a gift to be enjoyed. *u are my gift frm the heavens*

xx signed off at 7:39 PM