L a s t S u m m e r;

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

s0rie!

-------UNder CONstructioNn----------

any inconvenience is regretted. (=

xx signed off at 5:15 PM

just got home from school. had the investiture just now. glad that the ordeal is is over. tink i did quite well for my speech and overall things went quite smoothly. i mean, why wldnt it? they literally used everything from last year. wadeva. and in the end we didnt have the slideshown that me n bas did. i mean..haixx..wad da heck!

gotta admit that however happy i ma to finally be free from the burden from the council, i am kindda sad coz the sc was like my baby. my first project as a leader. my first burden. my first accomplishment that i AM actually proud of. i mean..the council started from scratch. a teacher asked y i didnt cry n i said im not the emotional kind. which is a TOTAL lie sice i am VER emotional. i cry ALOT nad i am easily pulled down by othrs. mayb thatx coz i care too much. i reli do. haixx. i reli hope the SC wun crumble down.

the sec 3s and 2s were still asking me abt so many things. like HELLO! give some respect to tiff. i mean..im no longer incharge people!! mayb it takes time for them to adjust. well..gud luck to you! haha! bas did my hair into d scorpion (my horoscope!) sytle for the investiture. reli so swit of her. didnt noe if i looked ok but sum peepx said i looked nice. haha.

spent half of skul yesterdae in the sick bay. it was the first time i felt like fainting! haha. slept soo much! and that night i had a high fever so went to the doc but i guess im ok now. still feel kindda tired and sick but well...i have to make the best of it right? worte a lil sumtink fot he exco ystrdae nyt. tink i owe it to em for putting up wif me for a year. haha. rugby lost ystrdae but it was by sheer luck the other team won. i meant our skul was like leadin. still proud of him though. it meant so much to the boys to win but well..eveything happens for a reason! n it was obvious they did their best. it kindda touched me how much rugby meant to them. i was kindda sad when they lost since i knew he reli wanted to win..bt hey! mayb itx just not ur luck this time. mayb u'll do betta sum othr time.

been facing sum serious nagging at home. haixx. reli depressing actually. itx scary when people see you achieve so much yet not know what kindda shit you went thru to reach there. i've been thru a lot. seen all kinds of people n been thru all kinds of pain. people think i achieve everytink easy n success no longer means anything to me. but it does. i feel a glow whenevr i achieve something. butthe way people react sumtimes just dampens me coz they think i have it all.

i always feel like a failure. people dont see me as me. sometimes i tink i'd feel a million time betta if i was cast away in a mental institute or sumtink. I long for more fulfilling connections, or wish that i fine my friendships less draining, or more balanced. Or maybe im just so frustrated with my situation that i feel like avoiding the topic all together. my mask is still on and no matter what gary says, i noe i cannot remove my mask. itx been there too long. n itx stuck. stuck foreva.

i reli lurve him.ut sumtimes i think im not the best choice. i mean there r so many others running after him and no matter wad he says...sometimes i do feel insecure. i know he wun hurt me again..but the things othrs sae.......i just dont know anymore. itx all a BIG mess in my head now. i doubt myself and im scared of losing him again. haixx. jux tell me..why else would a good-looking, well-liked, mr nice gui be wif such a loud, ugly, depressed gurl. somebodee xplain please. i noe i am looking down on myself. but mayb he doesnt deserve me. he deserves someone who can sit dwn n sped time with him. sumone hux hot and polite n nice. sumone other than me. mayb...

lurve can get so confusing

and it is at the moments that u're entrapped in it

that u start to doubt

doubt urself and ur partner---

i wish people would love me for meeeeeeee

xx signed off at 3:32 PM

Monday, March 27, 2006

Cry for your lovers
give me your pain
your cry was special
because you may change
let it all fall downas we watch the rain
dont be afraidto give me your pain.
That's what I want
it's why I am here
sitting beside you
to take away your fear
even with the raint
hat hides away your tear
I will sit with you
and love you so near....

wherever you go
whatever you do
i will be right here waiting for you
whatever it takes
or how my heart breaks
i will be right here waiting for you.....

*memoriexx are sweeeet*

i still remember those times we went thru so much

pain

happiness

u gave me both

n made me into a stronger soul

xx signed off at 5:45 PM

Sunday, March 26, 2006

sorie havent been bloggin for quite some time. reli3 busy. everytime i wanna blog i'll be thinking lyk wen?? i seriously am busy EVERY SINGLE DAY. haha. n to think im sitting for the o's this year. kindda scary.

so much happenend. i'll start off with last fri k? as in the march holx fri. haha. 2 weeks ago. went to watch the dorm like i said before. STUPID show. i mean it wasnt scary AT ALL. reali. n this is coming from sumone who a freak at scary movies. im d kind hu peepx thru my hands in a scaree movie. so for me to sae itx not scaree, trust me. dun waste 8 bucks watching that stupid show. haha. anyway, it was a fun day!!! hehe. had a horrible ending to it though. found out 3 things.
`she liked him
`he knew
`his friend lied? (i hope so)
anyway. all was solved. n im still happy wif my life. haha.

adam khoo course took place on mon-wed from 8am-9pm. 13 hours! but reali, the money on the course was well spent. i reli thought i wldnt cry on the 2nd nyt, but i did. i could reli relate to everytink i felt so guilty towards my parents. at least i told them i love them. i reli do despite how much we fight. n i reli didnt want to go up there to talk and say sorie to mummy. but sumtink in my heart said, she would want me to go up there. she'd be so happy and proud of me. n that compelled me to go up stage and said sorry and i love her. im so proud of having such a beautiful and loving mother. n deep down i know i lurvee my damily more than anything else in the world. except mayb god. haha. but boyfrenx defitnitely come after my family. sorie! haha.n i feel a whole lot lighter now. i learn to love me for me and to realise im NEVER a failure. i dun need to prove myself to anyone. i just need to prove my best capabilities to me. and thatx all that matters. i've been thru so much..so much that others dont know. rabia went thru alot too n i had a glimpse of that on wed. we're in the same boat. n we learned a very imp value frm the course. the value of life.
i act put up inspirational posters on my wall ystrdae. y shld i forget the values the course imparted n awoken in me? i will remember it for life n i'd rather remember those words conciously and excel in life.
he fetched me on mon n tue. reli so swit. n his jacket is stained wif my perfume. sorie. hehe.
*u nvr fail to amaze me in ur own ways despite so long.*

thurs was an EXCELLENT day. haha. reli. but itx a secret wad happened that dae. shh.. hehe. i'll never forget that dae coz that dae made me feel my whole life and heart is complete. that presence in my life completes the circle and closes the wounds. there never will be anyone that can make my life more complete.
---remember the time i closed my eyes
and called out ur name
i tot u wldnt hold me close
but u did

the match on friw was horrid! i mean so ganas seh!!!!! reli...but i lurved it wen u banged nbr 23.. haha!!!! a buncha x-junyuan came back. abg erzat came. kindda shocking coz they look and seem so diff! hex kindda kiute reli. but they kept distbn us. haha. in the end, lalat and that gui asked for my number for 'contact-purposes'. right. haha. how cld i have given it to them? i mean my nbr aint for sale. haha. too bad for then.
a couple of ppl said i was not the same girl they knew in sec 1. those ex-students i mean. bt hey. i believed i evolved into a bigger more colourful butterfly and mayb the just didnt see my crazee side. haha. maturity comes with age right?

this wed is the investiture. so fast ryt? i prepared my speech alreasy. itx definitely gonna be an emotional day. sighx. tuex da match. i wanna watch. i tink i'll watch. he app it anyways ryt?

will blog 2ml since i dun reli have anything on in skul tomolow. so will be home b4 5. cya den!

--my life partnerr

xx signed off at 6:08 PM

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

guess this will be lyk my last time blogging throughout the hols coz this is basically the last dae im free. hahax.
`wed-NCC
`thurs-NCC
`fri-movie outing (Hooray!!!)

not that i dun enjoy NCC but it will be like from 8-6 or sumtink? sigh..then thurs is like da day camp..reli3 very lazy..oh well. itx another obligation of mine. at least april step down liao.

wad he said ystrdae reli touched me. i was tinking of stupid things. this shows how rumours can affect sumone. im sorry baby. reli. those words reli made me feel on cloud nine. itx irritating how sweet he can get. hahah. muackx!

will be catching a movie wif my darlings this fri. yeah. the only thing im looking forward to all week. just da 4 of us. tiqah, keciq n abg. haha. was thinking of catching the dorm. thai movie. ghost story obviusly. keciq simply enjoys watching scary movies. havent askd tiqah yet. but tink she shld be find wif it lah.

i seriously have nutink else to blog abt right now. sooo if im free on fri...will try to blog abt NCC. if not..u gotta wait tillnxt thurs coz mon-wed therex da adam khoo course.. sigh.

*so long and gudnyt

```there has only been one

that lives in this heart...

u```

xx signed off at 9:13 AM

Monday, March 13, 2006

It is very important for me to express to you how much you really mean to me. I wish I could do this in person while holding you in my arms and gazing into your eyes. But since we are physically separated by miles of emptiness, this expression must come in the form of letters such as this.

I know it is difficult for you, as it is for me, to be separated for so long. Life seems to be full of trials of this type which test our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another. After all, it is said that "True Love" is boundless and immeasurable and overcomes all forms of adversity. In truth, if it is genuine, it will grow stronger with each assault upon its existence.

our love has been assaulted many times, and I am convinced that it is true because the longer I am away from you, the greater is my yearning to be with you again. You are my enchanted Princess, and I am your devoted Prince. I cherish any thought of you, prize any memory of you that rises from the depths of my mind, and live for the day when our physical separation will no longer be.

Until that moment arrives, I send to you across the miles, my tender love, my warm embrace, and my most passionate kiss.

``how sweet. memories flow. i hate to hurt u. im sorry.

xx signed off at 3:18 PM

1 day since the camp passed n i miss it already. happy to say that the camp was a success. evrytink ran smoothly. of coz it was not without problems. there were sum stuff that i was unhappy about bt oevrall..i tink the camp turned out bettr thatn last year n betta than that we expectd it to be. i reli2 tot it was gonna be a failure coz soo many tinkx were last minute.

of course i was damn tired. i mean i didnt sleep for 2 nights straight. first night coz i cldnt sleep. n we stayed up chatting with mdm yang n sum of d boys. 2nd night coz i had a freaking gastric n everytym i tried to sleep the gastric will hit all of a sudden. n on top of that the ava room was superr cold. it added to my gastric so in the end..me..teddy bear (ernst) n derrick sat outside chatting. found out so much abt wad the guix did inside there. haha. nutink new lah. knew it since last year. bt it was kindda fun since many stuff happend that night. haha. all of us got a lil crazeee. then teddy bear was so sweet in getting me warm water to ease my gastric. got the gastric coz i sortta 'forget' to eat. haha. guess i was too busy to spare a minute to eat. haha. didnt wanna tell ___ coz didnt want ___ to worry. n anyway ___ needs the rest. after all being a group leader takes up a lot pf energy and tolerance. tink ___ did a good job. =D

reli tired. d camp took so much of my energy. was the emcee for the campfire nyt. kindda fun n i lost my voice. haha. hoped the sec 1s enjoyed it. i have reli dry lips n tink its kindda swollen. sumtimes it bleeds when i try to smile. yes. itx dat bad. haha. i reli2 gotta thank a buncha people for doin such an excellent job in helping me ;
natiara, thiam heng, aik kun, hanis, daryl, shikin, sabri, ronney, yu yao, shu mei, felina, becky, basirah, shahrul & seri.
not forgetting all the group leaders!
of coz there were other c.i's and xco which were busy with things but these are the people which are especially helpful. they helped me alot even though they were drop dead tired n just wanted to rez for a minute. esp my beloved sis nat. she was sick but still..she helped a lot. THANX U GUIX!!!!

my gastric aint that bad now. ate medicine ystrdae n i slept for like 18 hours ysterday. haha. reached home at abt 3. slept till 7. woke up. slept again till 9am. haha. have NCC on wed and thrs. kindda lazy to go. but wat to do. no choice.

havent messaged him the whole dae. should i? haix. maybe he needs his own space. how?? did sumtink between us reali changed? or is it just me? ur actions mean a million things. how do i noe? a friend of urs said sumtink. yes. u are mysterious. kindda funny but reli after knowing u for so long sumtimes i do feel that i dunnoe u at all. y? yet sometimes i feel that i've known u foreva. noe whatx in ur heart. whatx on ur mind. those eyes speak a thousand words. n each time they reveal sumtink new. there is everytink that i need in u. bt yet there is nutink. haixx. go figure.

yes. it's true.

u're all i think about.

n when i close my eyes,

itx ur smile n that wink i see.

n when tears fill my eyes.

it's your arms i wish to be in

and ur voice that i wanna hear.

*i like walking in the rain coz no one knows im crying*

``deja-vu

xx signed off at 2:23 PM

Monday, March 06, 2006

events that happened between friday evenin and this mornin

friday evenin.

-shama fainted. (well..sortta)
-hafiz muscle tear
-everyone crying (includin me)
-'drama' takes place (haha!)
-found out sumtink frm lina (haixx)
2. friday night
-depressed
-unsure
-doubtful
*i wish u could reassure me that u're mine to keep*
3. Saturday Mornin
-sec 1 camp meeting
-tiring mornin
-out at tm in da evenin
4. Sunday mornin
-wating for his sms
-still waiting
5. Sunday afternoon
-waitin an endless wait
6. Sunday nyt
-sms him
-wished
-haixx
7. monday mornin
-no longer sick
-missing him
-hopes of meeting on tuex washed dwn the drain
(what other reason can there be?)

seriously. i dun see the point of sugby. soo. gurls. if u have any boyfrens, brothers or frens in rugby. i feel your pity. n those who do not, please advice them not to join rugby. haha!

---constanly second to everything in life. even to you.

urgh!!!!! i miss him!!!!!

xx signed off at 4:42 PM

Friday, March 03, 2006

at home now. was in da jacket da whole day in skul. cant help but feel sick. but that aint gonna stp me from being crazee. haha. i have decided that i shall stay happy n fun n not let ANYTHING spoil my dae n even though that happens. i shall keep smiling coz reli. the reason im sick now is coz im stressed. too stressd. i have such a stiff neck n my body aches constantly.

sum people are reli acting cold towards me bt y should i even care?? they have a right to hate me to love me or to be frenx wif me. i cant be bothered abt anything anymore. reli am so tired of pleasing others. y should i care what others tink of me? i am ME. either u accept it or u dont. i noe i've borken n hurt 3 people that i truly care about. but i dun have any choice. i admit my mistakes. i cannot please everyone. blame me for everytink for all i care. i dun care if u backstab me, if u gossip abt me or wadeva other shit. im here if any of u need me. but till then itx ur decision to react wadeva u want towards me. hate me. i dun give a damn. i've played my part. said sorry n tried to make it up. i've paid my price. im always the target board. itx MY fault. never urx.

i lurvee u

no matter wad others say

no matter wad others do

i lurvee u

coz u're wa the heavens gifted me with

to a dear fren:

please look at the bright side. we both know everything happens for a reason. believe that there is a brighter future sumwhere n no matter wat it takes. u have to keep trying. stop asking why. im angry coz u DUN WANT to believe in urself. i noe u tink itx easy for me to say it but trust me. u dun even noe the things i've done and the things i had to go thru as a child n as a teenager. u don't noe so dun go ard saying i have no idea how it feels like to suffer.

---beaten. battered. torn. by the people i love.

*nobody knows*

xx signed off at 1:09 PM

Thursday, March 02, 2006

im sick. i reli am. well. about time anyway. haha. been having these fevers n flu for the past few days. guess the stress n pressure n xpectations are getting to me. especially with those words that she said. THAT was the last straw.

reli couldnt take it when i heard them all say those stuff. they were slicing my heart into pieces. slowly. as though savouring every min of it. n it hurts. it hurts so bad i almost bawld in frnt of mr j. haixx. luckily i controlled myself n saved my tears just in time. he saw my eyes red. spilled it out n i felt a HUGE burden off my chest. it reli hurt when SHE said those words. itx as though i never cared for her. n we never had that bond. i suppose she forgot those times we went thru togeda. she spoke as though i was a failure. failure as a fren. failure as a leader. n those same sensations of being crushed the moment i stood up came back. im crumbling down again. n therex no one to save me any more. my heart is in pain as i relate this. i reli cared for her. y cldnt she see it? i admitted my mistake although i think i wasnt entirely at fault n **** muz have exaggerated bt stil. i swallowed my pride and apologised. wad more do u want? it kills me to hear those words n see that face. it was at the tip of my tongue to simply shoot back. u've hurt me deep n that scar will never be forgotten. never.

haixx. heard sm stuff abt him. sum said he was seeing sumone else bt i believe it isnt true coz i noe he truly loves me. bt therex this lil amt of doubt i have. haix. im reli sorie. i trust him. i reli2 do but sumtimes i doubt. haixx. im confused. i want to believe our love is real. i want to. i reli do. guess he doesnt undrstand that i NEED him. more than anyone else coz he comforts and reassures me but i suppose thatx an unknown fact? i need him. i reli do. i need attention. i need t.l.c. i need a crying shoulder and a listenin ear. haixx. but i undrstand. i have to understand. itx all about give and take. im being too selfish. but hey. it aint my fault he's cute right? *grinx*

tinking abt him makes me smile. it never fails esp wen i rbr those smiles we exchanged. it seems so long n i never want anything to ever end. i just hope we can pull thru this rough patch.

been having so many things to do despite my 'uninvolvement' in the sc anymore. so many things changed. so many people changed. i feel that i've failed and disappointd my self and many others. but letx not get into that. it'll only depress me further. haha.

sec 1 campx cumin along OK. reli hope eveythings fine. kindda feel that this guy is trying to hit on me. hahaha! but hex reli kiute so itx aight wif me. have a history t.a tomolow. one of our LAST TA!!!!! hooray! finally everythings ending! haha. nweix. would love to blog further but seriously my body's heating up n my monster flu is back. soo i betta go rez.

will blog nxt wk before camp mayb? coz i have ncc tomolow n sec 1 camp meetin on sat. take cr ya'll!

Only you can make this world seem right,

only you can make the darkness bright.

Only you and you alonecan thrill me like you do,

and fill my heart with love for only you.

Only you can make this change in me,

for it's true, you are my destiny.

When you hold my hand I understand

the magic that you do.

You're my dream come true,

my one and only you - only you.

Only you.

*ilurveeunomatterwadotherssaeordooandbabyitxtrue*

xx signed off at 4:02 PM